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“You Say You Want A Revolution?” An Open Letter to the Militias

March 29, 2010

Dear Right-wing Militia Members,

Hi. How’s it going? Not too good huh? I heard some of you fellas had a bad weekend. It’s gotta suck getting raided by the feds, I mean that’s some stressful shit. I guess If I was you I’d cooperate and wait for my day in court. No use getting shot up now that the cat’s out of the bag, you know? You’re all pretty lucky that way really, getting a day in court is kinda rare for a lot of people in this world. Yup, we’re all damn lucky to have laws and civic structure that provide for the protection of our rights; you know, a government. Yup, damn lucky.

Hey, while I’ve got you all here, I’ve got a few questions and a couple of comments for you about your little “group therapy sessions”, if you don’t mind.

First of all, what exactly is your plan? I’m not talking about your little Call of Duty multiplayer squad tactics either, I mean what are the ends that will eventually justify your violent means? If you’re intent on resorting to cheap terror tactics and blowing up innocent people, you better have some idea about what it’s all for. Are you planning to reinstate the Confederacy? Or are you more interested in forming an all new non-government that only acts as a middle-man in connecting consumers to private service providers like pay-as-you-go firefighters? Perhaps you just want to get another old white guy back in charge like the good old days, huh? Whatever it is, I think you’re really aiming high for what you’re actually capable of, which isn’t much.

What do you think most people think when they see you fellas running around in the woods doing your little live-action RPG shtick? Do you think they respect you? Do you think they’re scared of you? Which is better? They certainly don’t respect you, so is fear enough? Is that what your really going for? If so, I’ve heard of some guys over in Pakistan that you might get along with really well. They run around with guns trying to scare people too. Maybe respect would be better after all, huh?

I guess my point is that most of you guys probably have families, and you love and care about them like everyone else, so go home and care for them. There are problems in this world for sure, but nothing that will be solved by a bunch of guys running around the hills with guns and building explosives in their basements. That will only get you arrested or shot up by law enforcement. You seem to be confused about a lot of things right now and really afraid of what you think is going to happen, but you all need to seriously take a deep breath and relax for a minute before someone gets hurt.

I know we elected a black guy to be president, and I know you’ve all heard terrible things about him. I know. But seriously, you need to turn off Fox news and talk radio, and really think about what’s important. Have things really changed at all since the election? Not really, we haven’t changed much in this country since the glory days of “W”. We still have the same tax rates, the same energy situation, the same crap-ass economy, the same wars, hell we haven’t even done a damn thing to roll back his national security policies. That’s something that a lot of people are upset about, but you guys shouldn’t be. Sure we don’t openly torture people anymore, and we’re trying to figure out what to do with that goddamn mess down in Gitmo, but really what’s changed? We passed an Insurance reform bill that was almost identical to what republicans where suggesting fifteen years ago. What are you so mad about?

Listen, you guys need to calm down and take stock of what you have for a minute and stop all this foolishness. Revolutions are messy, dangerous, miserable goddamn affairs even when they’re fought for something real and important. What you guys are talking about “fighting” for is just ridiculous, and the people who are feeding you this crap know it’s ridiculous. Don’t die for Glenn Beck’s ratings. Don’t die for Rush Limbaugh’s hatred. Do yourselves and the country a favor, turn off that garbage and just turn on some old Beatles tunes…

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
You tell me that it’s evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don’t you know that you can count me out
Don’t you know it’s gonna be all right
all right, all right


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